September 26, 2008--six months. Six months have passed without Jeff. In some ways they have passed quickly and in others they have crawled by--minute by minute. Our girls have changed so much in six months. They are taller, sweeter, smarter, funnier, braver. I don't know how I have changed, but I do know that I am different. I know my face has become care worn and serious. I know I have dreams that I wake from and then I feel scared and worried. I know that every noise I hear at night keeps me from sleeping.
I am trying to feel God's presence again. I know He is there--I just have to be still and know that God is all. But sometimes that is a tall order. It's just me now with the girls--to keep them safe, to love them, to teach them. Tonight we had a very frightening experience. It was because of this experience that I had to write. You see, everyday--at least four or five times a day--I pray that God gives me at least 20 more years to live. I need at least 20 years to make sure the girls never have to be alone. I need 20 more years to make sure they are safe and happy. Please God--20 more years.
Tonight made me shake--tonight made me thankful--tonight reminded me that God is holding us--and I think Jeff is too. Tonight after soccer practice, we went to buy a birthday gift and then to have dinner at Panera Bread. Our big night out. On our way home at 7:35 p.m., we were heading south on Campbell. To my left I suddenly saw a flash of light and directly behind me, in my rearview mirror, I saw a mass of metal barely miss the back of our car. A horrible accident happened inches from us. A difference of five seconds and I would not have been able to avoid the mass of metal flying across both lanes.
I realized how close we were and immediately thanked God for His protection and prayed for the safety and protection of those in the cars involved. I was shaking and had to pull into a parking lot. I just bowed my head and cried and thanked God over and over that He and Jeff had their loving arms around us. They kept my babies safe. Twenty more years, God, please.
I am still in tears and shaking at how close we were. I have to shut out the thoughts because it is my biggest fear that just passed before me. My girls are my everything. I promised God the day they were born and I promised Jeff the day he left, that I would always keep them safe and love them. God kept his promise to me. I am so grateful--I am so very grateful--I get one more day with my girls.
Never Gonna Break My Faith is a song from the movie, "Bobby", about Robert Kennedy's life and assassination. The song title represented the way Jeff approached what would be the final months of his life... Louis L'Amour, one of my Dad's favorite authors, has said, "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning." This is how I am now trying to approach my life without Jeff...
The Melton Family
Forever in our hearts...
My husband is Jeff Melton--he is my hero. This blog is dedicated to him, the man he is and his fight to beat Melanoma Cancer--February 2008.
January 2009--Jeff will always be my hero--always. I have decided that this website needs to be dedicated to the works, goals and progress of The Jeffrey A. Melton Urgent Care Cancer Foundation (Jeff's Hope). Today I started Holly's Heart--a place that I can go and write about this new life that I am trying to get used to living. It is where I can express the joys, sorrows, hopes and fears of this new world without Jeff. It is a place for me to write and in the process, heal. The link is below--just click away...
January 2009--Jeff will always be my hero--always. I have decided that this website needs to be dedicated to the works, goals and progress of The Jeffrey A. Melton Urgent Care Cancer Foundation (Jeff's Hope). Today I started Holly's Heart--a place that I can go and write about this new life that I am trying to get used to living. It is where I can express the joys, sorrows, hopes and fears of this new world without Jeff. It is a place for me to write and in the process, heal. The link is below--just click away...
Blog Archive
Fight Melanoma Cancer
Please join us in the fight against Melanoma Cancer. Prevention is so important--use sunscreen, wear hats--they're cool--DON'T use tanning beds. It's just not worth it. See your dermatologist and make sure they have results read by someone reliable. Melanoma Cancer isn't "just some skin that needs to be removed," it's deadly.
Sources of Strength
Romans 8:24
For we are saved by hope:
Romans 8:28, 37-39
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to (his) purpose.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, not depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
For we are saved by hope:
Romans 8:28, 37-39
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to (his) purpose.
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, not depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
New Life Resolutions--for my husband, Jeff, December 29, 2007
In the blink of an eye life changes. It's true. I always thought that was an overused statement, but it's true. One minute I was helping out with the fall festival at my child's school--watching children in a bounce house. The next minute I was shaking at the prospect of what my husband's doctor had just told him. A CT scan showed "nodules on his lungs, lesions on his liver and there is something in the lymph nodes". Melanoma cancer.My husband and I have been through more than most marriages in our 11 1/2 years together. We are so much stronger for it all. We will get through this cancer diagnosis. It means many trips to Houston, Texas, to a world-class melanoma clinic. It means weeks away from our young children--weeks away from each other. It means pumping my husband's body full of biochemotherapy for five straight days and nights. A treatment so rough it is reserved only for the very strongest and "healthiest" melanoma patients. It means an uncertain financial future because we are self employed--there is no vacation time or sick leave. Most of all it means the life we had planned for ourselves no longer exists. While undergoing the biochemo my husband looked at me and whispered "nothing will ever be the same." No it won't, but that doesn't mean it won't be filled with goodness and love and grace and peace. My husband is the epitome of grace. He is teaching me about love and forgiveness, grace and self-sacrifice. I describe bravery in whole new terms. I imagine any family that is or has gone through a crisis can identify with my comments about his or her loved one. I want to appeal to those of us getting ready to make our New Years Resolutions. Instead I challenge you to make a New Life Resolution. Life isn't about competition--who has the bigger house, the automobile with the most gadgets, the newest tech item, the best physique. All those things count for nothing when you are truly challenged in life. Resolve to create a life of love and grace. Build a home of peace--drive to be kind--those random acts of kindness really count for so much more than the balance in your bank account. We have been blessed in all this. Our families, our friends, our church, my husband's clients, my children's schools, our neighbors, perfect strangers at the airports have reached out with prayer and kindness and love and support that goes beyond comprehension. Thank you seems such a trite phrase. This is a good world with good people. Remember to make Gratitude number one on your New Life Resolution. Even in the darkest of times be grateful. Pray, too. Pray and truly believe with your whole heart in whatever Higher Power you worship. Make sure it is a Divine Power--not a power of greed or fear or anger. Add Forgiveness to your list, too. It is a release--it is what allows us--propels us forward. Look Forward--not back--there is nothing in our past that we can change. Our future is in the next minute, the next hour.
2 comments:
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 27:1
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
Be still and listen, my friend, He is always there.
I love you, and I thank God for keeping you and the girls safe.
Love, Christine
I found your blog tonight and read about your positive steps to help others with cancer and thought it was a wonderful idea and a loving way to honor your husband. My husband also died from melanoma so I understand a bit of what you are going through. I read an article after my husband died which described feeling like a "spouse without a husband" and I thought it fit perfectly. You feel like you are too young to use the word widow but single doesn't feel right either. And you don't feel like you fit anymore with all of your married friends. Everyone's journey is different but I hope you know there are others out there who can relate to your circumstances. Good luck with the foundation and God bless you.
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